I have just finished my first week of CPE. For those of you not familiar with the M.div/ministry/seminarian lexicon; CPE stands for "Clinical Pastoral Education." Many people seeking ordination are required to spend some time (a summer or year or more) working as a chaplain intern at a hospital. For those brave few who want to be an official chaplain at a hospital you have to take many units of CPE before getting certified. Its both a class with a supervisor and an experience of being a hospital chaplain.
What CPE is as well, is a mythological creature that haunts many a seminarian's dreams. The stories you hear about and from CPE programs and past graduates can fill an encyclopedia of worst case scenarios. There are engaging stories of joy and blessings as well. But most often for those entering into their first term of CPE all you hear about is how you are going to dig deep into the far recesses of the meaning of life and maybe just maybe come back a survivor.
I had my own fears and excitement starting this process but as I ruminate on the culmination of my first week what is bubbling over in my brain is completely unexpected. I am a strong believer that (almost) all experience is good experience if you can learn from it. This past year I decided to officially begin the ordination process with the UCC, and although CPE is required for ordination, I was incredibly excited to take on this new EXPERIENCE.
As someone who loves to "bulldoze" through life and compile long lists of experiences and adventures, I thought this program was the perfect mix of jumping into the deep end of the unknown to come out as a more mature and seasoned individual. That may happen (wait for the end of CPE post to see) but what I wasn't expecting was to enter into a space that stands for everything I try to avoid.
It is hard to articulate just how CPE is my personal nightmare. The reasons it makes me want to run for the hills is probably not what you expect. As much I get nervous around meeting new people, the patient interaction seems to be the safest place. Even in a male-dominated hospital where I will confront sexism and I'm not bothered by that aspect. What makes me shiver inside is the class dynamics.
I have a great group of people/students in my group and an incredible supervisor. Its not the people, the institution, or the chaplaincy....its the feelings that frighten me. A main component of CPE is getting together with your group and talking about how you feel about life/the program/patients/etc. Many people dig deep into the recess of pain and memory; exposing the worst parts of themselves to make them a better minister. I believe in that but for me, sitting in a group and talking about MY feelings and MY life is horrific. Its hard enough for me to sit with my therapist who I voluntarily go and see to talk about emotions and life...sit me in a group and I can't stop squirming.
On top of my "no go emotions zone" I also like to present a facade that I have my sh*t together. I'm really good at pretending I know what I'm doing, that I'm confident, or strong. Even when all those things may be lies I can get by. In CPE I can't do that.
Ironically my emotions have swung from excitement and anticipation to fear and trepidation. I feel like I walked into the hospital; swinging a door open with all my might not realizing it was on a hinge. I push forward with excitement and BAM it swings back to hit me in the face.
I also feel like the wicked witch in OZ right at the moment the water is thrown on her. Before that shower she thinks she's so strong, in charge, a leader of her life and world but once the H20 hits her body everything melts away.
I hear Isaiah ringing in my ears:
Isaiah 29:16
New International Version (NIV)
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it,
“You did not make me”?
Can the pot say to the potter,
“You know nothing”?
This summer I am melting. I am moving from a square peg that doesn't fit in the round hole, into something else. I am dust mixed with water, spun around, and formed. I am broken clay made into something new.
So my prayer for this summer of CPE is to ask God to make me, form me, and melt me into something useable, beautiful, and flexible enough to be used by the Holy One. I am praying that I can fully embrace the uncomfortable space.
And for those who pray with music: David Crowder "Rescue is Coming"
No comments:
Post a Comment