Flying off the wall

I have one more week of my CPE program. I could shout for joy about being done but there is also this somber sadness that brews below the surface. In the painful, difficult, hard to bear at times moments of the summer I have ironically been moved. For something that was so hard to deal with and made me question everything about my identity and emotions; I found glimpses of my pastoral identity. I went threw a proverbial car wash of pastoral identity to emerge very bruised, soagy, but newly clean.

Now, I cannot report that the summer spontaneously led me to develop an entire thesis on my P.I. But as someone who loves water imagery so much: this summer gave me a few pieces of land to stand on. I have been swimming and swimming out to sea following this calling. You could say I have been swimming out to the horizen trying to catch some glimpse at the end of the world. In the process, God has placed a few bits of land to stand on and rest. I rest in who she created me to be.

I didn't find anything new. What I found was the authority to claim the image of God within me. As a 5 in the ennegram, trying to move towards an 8, you can say that I am claiming my authority. I am jumping from being a fly on the wall to a participant in the great show of life. I have moved from the audience to the stage.

The hardest thing for me to claim was the biggest thing: my calling. The story of Moses' calling has always been an inspiration for me. I have sided with his deep grownings of "God, I can't do thaaaat. I'm [fill in some deficiency]. Send someone else God..." I have recieved great strength from Moses attitude towards the burning bush but I never thought to ponder God's response.

I have always loved meditating on God's great "I am". I never thought to think that God gives us this statement in our creation. The image of God in us lies in the beginning of the sentence "I am [fill in the blank]". I always feared that claiming "I am" anything would result in me usurping God's role and power. In claiming an "I am", I would be declaring my perfection next to God. But that's not the point. The point is in the noun, the adjective that follows the "I am". God is the only "I am." But we, as clay formed by the creator, are given unique callings.

I have been afraid to declare that calling. I have been afraid to claim God's "I am" for me. In these last moments of CPE, through all the difficulties, joys and sorrows it hit me. With the authority of God my maker, I suddenly could say "I am a minister". And not just any minister but in my journey these last few months I have realized that I am called as the "singing minister".

To claim my "I am" means that I can no longer delicately remain a fly on the wall. Instead, I must burst forth with the seal of God's calling on me and use this great "I am" for God's glory. I must be proactive, active, and reactive...not just an observer. I must take off my shoes and enter into this great "I am". Like Moses, I can still cry out in fear and weakness. But like Moses, I lean on the Yhwh of my life. I dig deep into the image of God within me and find hope that God sees more of himself in me that I can see in my identity.

So I am flying off the wall and declaring to the world that "I am a minister, a singing minister for God".

What are you?

Brave: the uncharted territory of female virtue

I just recently saw the new Pixar movie Brave and was entertained but not incredibly impressed. I was anticipating an epic film where a female heroine stands up against patriarchal society and asserts her power and strength as a female. The movie touches upon a few of these elements but ultimately is about the relationship of daughter and mother.

As I transcend the halfway mark of CPE, bravery has risen to the surface as a focal point for my life and identity. I have been told on several occasions in my life that I am either intimidating or a strong woman. I struggle with the identifier of "intimidating" because I want to be everyone's friend but find it even harder to embrace strength...to embrace my bravery.

Women throughout the centuries have been told to be saved not brave. Women are the objects of hero stories. The denouement of a hero's quest. They are not supposed to be the heroine, the strong character. If they do rise to the surface in Joan of Arc fury, then they either become victims of the system or sexualized objects as a way to dismiss their strength as accidental.

As a Christian female it is even harder to find "strong" women characters. There is Esther and Ruth, Mary the mother of God, Mary and Martha...but each woman is over shadowed by a male dominated gender. Even God has been transfixed to a male body. Recently, my eyes were opened to seeing God as a woman. God without gender. God as a woman blew my mind. I had grown up with God my father not God my mother. God my mother opened a whole new world to me. It was like an offering to be brave. That my femaleness was also in the image of God.

Even with the image of God as mother, society has translated "strong woman" into the vulgar labeling of "bitch". If a woman asserts herself then she is a bitch. Men who assert themselves are not necessarily labeled some word loaded with profanity and degradation. In fact men get there strength and "manhood" from bravery. Any Greek epic poem or story centers on some sort of bravery narrative of a male character.

At the end of the day, I don't want to be a man. I applaud women who embrace a masculine lifestyle but I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a BRAVE WOMAN. I want my niece and sisters and female brethren to have strong women to look up to, who are more then vulgar labels and exceptions to the rule.
I want to be able to embrace my bravery as beautiful and not shameful to my gender.

As a queer woman, bravery can also be seen as a reaction to prejudice. The cliche of the angry lesbian gets applied to a lot of outspoken gay women. I am not outspoken because I am angry but because I know who I am. Bravery comes from having the courage to stand your ground...to walk into conflict without fear of losing one's identity and worth. Being brave is essential to loving God. The very act of accepting God's unconditional love is brave. God's unconditional love forces us to make decisions and stand on a foundation counter to a lot of what the world tells us is reality. Bravery has nothing to do with gender. Bravery has to do with faith. I am brave because I have faith that God loves me and that God's love transforms me.

Jesus was brave and died for it. Maybe for me to embrace my bravery...to embrace myself as a strong woman of God I first need to accept the destiny of bravery...






For inspiration to all the brave men and women out there...if you haven't watched the silent film "The Passion of Joan of Arc" its a must. Here is a taste for you...

Switch it up! Roles in Advertising

Many of you might be familiar with the controversy over the advertising for The Avengers Movie.

 See this link to read more:

http://jezebel.com/5908730/good-things-happens-when-you-pose-the-men-of-the-avengers-like-women 

The problem with The Avengers and most advertising is the sexualization of women and extreme masculization of men. In a lot of ways this problem seems almost old hat. Haven't we been talking for years how women are exploited in the media? 

The reaction to the Avengers Film Poster has got me thinking. Critics took the pose of The Black Widow and flipped it, placing the men in the same pose. What happens is a hilarious picture of strong super hero men with giant butts facing the front of the picture. Its hilarious because it shockingly redirects the problem. It uses humor to rip the band aid off the exploitation in the picture. It brings us to the great virtue of empathy. Truly it asks: "What if this happened to you?"

Recently, I was sitting with a friend watching my TV shows for the day when this popular add came on:

 

As I began to complain about just how jokingly "manly" this ad is a thought occurred to me: "What if we switched the roles?" My mind started racing as I thought of all the other super masculine and feminine commercials that could be disrupted by simply switching out the sexes. Imagine this very same commercial (above) but with women. Even imagine the pretty women props switched as good looking men. I love picturing the last scene in this commercial with a woman running down the beach with a giant log over her back as she plops it down triumphantly at the fire pit. It literally gives me chills. 

Now switch it again but only this time place men in a jokingly feminine commercial...let's take a good birth control commercial (yes men don't use birth control but these commercials are often the most gender role promoting ridiculousness in advertising): Here's a perfect example: 

 I'd love to see men wandering in the pretty shop, picking out their perfect woman, ogling at the stork...maybe even trying out college (oh my!).

Do you get my point yet? 

Try it out for yourself. While you're watching your favorite shows, don't skip the commercials. Flip the roles and see what comes to light. 

If you don't watch TV walk down the street and put women in men's pictures and vice versa. With some visualization maybe we can start making a real difference! 

Its not just a matter of gender roles and sexism that advertising promotes. Advertising and other forms of media stereotype men and women into little boxes. Media creates cultures that tells you this is how you should act, this is happiness. It literally controls culture. Even if you do your darn hardest to keep away from such images its pervasive. Companies are finding every last spot on planet earth to slap an ad on. What we see on TV and billboards frankly is not what we see on the streets or in our homes. We attempt to be something else instead of being ourselves. We are all created in God's image not in the commercial's image made for you. We are meant to seek God in the uniqueness of each other, NOT in the cliche of advertising. 

Here's some more food for thought:

The square peg in the round hole: CPE musings

The old saying: "don't try and fit a square peg in a round hole" has taken on an entirely new meaning for me.

I have just finished my first week of CPE. For those of you not familiar with the M.div/ministry/seminarian lexicon; CPE stands for "Clinical Pastoral Education." Many people seeking ordination are required to spend some time (a summer or year or more) working as a chaplain intern at a hospital. For those brave few who want to be an official chaplain at a hospital you have to take many units of CPE before getting certified. Its both a class with a supervisor and an experience of being a hospital chaplain.

What CPE is as well, is a mythological creature that haunts many a seminarian's dreams. The stories you hear about and from CPE programs and past graduates can fill an encyclopedia of worst case scenarios. There are engaging stories of joy and blessings as well. But most often for those entering into their first term of CPE all you hear about is how you are going to dig deep into the far recesses of the meaning of life and maybe just maybe come back a survivor.

I had my own fears and excitement starting this process but as I ruminate on the culmination of my first week what is bubbling over in my brain is completely unexpected. I am a strong believer that (almost) all experience is good experience if you can learn from it. This past year I decided to officially begin the ordination process with the UCC, and although CPE is required for ordination, I was incredibly excited to take on this new EXPERIENCE.

As someone who loves to "bulldoze" through life and compile long lists of experiences and adventures, I thought this program was the perfect mix of jumping into the deep end of the unknown to come out as a more mature and seasoned individual. That may happen (wait for the end of CPE post to see) but what I wasn't expecting was to enter into a space that stands for everything I try to avoid.

It is hard to articulate just how CPE is my personal nightmare. The reasons it makes me want to run for the hills is probably not what you expect. As much I get nervous around meeting new people, the patient interaction seems to be the safest place. Even in a male-dominated hospital where I will confront sexism and I'm not bothered by that aspect. What makes me shiver inside is the class dynamics.

I have a great group of people/students in my group and an incredible supervisor. Its not the people, the institution, or the chaplaincy....its the feelings that frighten me. A main component of CPE is getting together with your group and talking about how you feel about life/the program/patients/etc. Many people dig deep into the recess of pain and memory; exposing the worst parts of themselves to make them a better minister. I believe in that but for me, sitting in a group and talking about MY feelings and MY life is horrific. Its hard enough for me to sit with my therapist who I voluntarily go and see to talk about emotions and life...sit me in a group and I can't stop squirming.

On top of my "no go emotions zone" I also like to present a facade that I have my sh*t together. I'm really good at pretending I know what I'm doing, that I'm confident, or strong. Even when all those things may be lies I can get by. In CPE I can't do that.

Ironically my emotions have swung from excitement and anticipation to fear and trepidation. I feel like I walked into the hospital; swinging a door open with all my might not realizing it was on a hinge. I push forward with excitement and BAM it swings back to hit me in the face.

I also feel like the wicked witch in OZ right at the moment the water is thrown on her. Before that shower she thinks she's so strong, in charge, a leader of her life and world but once the H20 hits her body everything melts away.

I hear Isaiah ringing in my ears:

Isaiah 29:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ You turn things upside down,
    as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it,
    “You did not make me”?
Can the pot say to the potter,
    “You know nothing”? 

This summer I am melting. I am moving from a square peg that doesn't fit in the round hole, into something else. I am dust mixed with water, spun around, and formed. I am broken clay made into something new. 

So my prayer for this summer of CPE is to ask God to make me, form me, and melt me into something useable, beautiful, and flexible enough to be used by the Holy One.  I am praying that I can fully embrace the uncomfortable space.

And for those who pray with music: David Crowder "Rescue is Coming" 

Let's Talk about...Suicide

My last post was about pulling back the veil on Mental Health in the church. After writing that post I felt there was so much more to say and will be reflecting on different topics pertaining to mental health in the next posts.

Suicide is controversial, personal, and relevant.

It is controversial because in greater mainstream society we don't want to talk about it. We force it back into the grave and bury it with it secrets, trauma, and grief. The church is especially silent on this issue. The Catholic church has even been quoted as saying those who commit suicide are going straight to hell. Well I don't believe that...and I believe we need to start not only talking about this but shouting it from the rooftops.

It's personal. I went to one university for undergrad that competes for the highest suicide rate in the nation. You don't read that on their admissions website. Before I arrived on campus there was a string of suicides, 5 in one year. As a means to cope the students invented a saying: are you joining the diving team? Well the diving team didn't exist. What they were talking about was the multitude of students who had jumped from various buildings around campus. In my time as a student 4 more students would take their lives. In my new university for grad school there has been two suicides this year. Its personal because it is effecting my community and I don't see much being done about it.

Its relevant. We have heard of the "It Get's better" Campaign targeting LGBT youth who are contemplating suicide. But it is not only young people and the LGBT community that is being effected, but our troops coming home and the elderly. Suicide effects all different people with different backgrounds, races, ages, lifestyles, sexualities...

We can't just hope for a close friend to tell us they are thinking of taking their life. We can't just open up more mental health facilities or hire more counselors. We can't just wait for it to happen again to cry foul. We need to start changing things now.

The church is meant to be built on community. We are meant to be a family. The early church and Christ called each other brothers and sisters. They were a collected unit that cared not only for someone's life on Sunday but for their whole lives. I believe if the church takes its role as a community and family seriously it can help prevent suicide.

Before I go on, I believe suicide stems from a disease of depression or other mental health issues. I believe anyone who is contemplating suicide needs to get medical help and counseling. But rarely does even the sickest person want to spontaneously leap to death. There is usually a progression into the darkness.

I would rather the church feel they had done everything, than wish they had done something if suicide hits your congregation.

We can't leave people behind. In a world that tells us to be individuals, as children of God we are meant to be in community. We are not meant to be alone. It is not enough to say "well you're not lonely: you have God". For those suffering depression this is a stab in the heart. For those with depression it takes every effort and piece of energy to feel accepted and part of community...but it doesn't mean they should be out of community.

As someone who struggles with depression, I have been struck down by days where I don't want to get out of bed. It takes every last bit of effort to even go take a shower. But on those bad days when a friend calls or forces me to get out of my apartment I am so grateful. I am grateful that I have people around me who choose to love me even when I can't accept it. Isn't that how God loves us? God loves us when we can't feel it, know it, or believe it. This is how we need to love those who are suffering through the darkness.

At the opening address of my undergraduate university the president declared: "we will never be a school that tailgates or rallies together before sports game. We are a school of individuals finding their own way in the world". A school of individuals that let students slip through the cracks. A school that refused to maintain any sort of community. A school that told its students that they didn't care about them and their loneliness. No help. No community. We can have an independent spirit and still have community. We can be individuals within a family system.

As the church we cannot be like this school. We cannot abandon our brothers and sisters. We need to reach out and love; even when we just don't feel it. Maybe if we take community seriously we can help those contemplating suicide? Maybe we can save just one life?

And as the church...if someone does commit suicide we need to rally in support of the family and community. We should not hide the funeral as if it is a secret. We must stand beside the grieving family as if it is like any other death. We need liturgies and funeral rights written for these occasions. We need to stand with those who grieve lost family and friends. We need to stop blaming others for "the fault" of this death but learn to mourn and grieve freely. If we can learn to grieve as a community in these moments we can stop the silence. We can honor the dead. And Pray that one day no one else will have to make the choice of living or ending one's life.

The Church needs to sing the blues: Speaking out on mental health

1 Kings 19: 4-11

4 But Elijah himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a solitary broom tree. He asked that he might die: ‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors.’ ⁵Then he lay down under the broom tree and fell asleep. Suddenly an angel touched him and said to him, ‘Get up and eat.’ ⁶He looked, and there at his head was a cake baked on hot stones, and a jar of water. He ate and drank, and lay down again. ⁷The angel of the Lord came a second time, touched him, and said, ‘Get up and eat, otherwise the journey will be too much for you.’ ⁸He got up, and ate and drank; then he went in the strength of that food for forty days and forty nights to Horeb the mount of God. ⁹At that place he came to a cave, and spent the night there.

Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, ‘What are you doing here, Elijah?’ ¹⁰He answered, ‘I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away.’

11 He said, ‘Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for theLord is about to pass by.’ 

*

The story of Elijah is a powerful testimony to the depression that so many people experience around the world. In Elijah's darkest moment God doesn't rebuke him for wanting to give up but instead feeds him, protects him, and even gives him a glimpse of God's glory. In a time when Elijah is contemplating suicide God reaches out. 

This story is a beautiful example of how the church should be dealing with mental health. Elijah is not the only example of deep depression but we can find many voices from the Psalms, Lamentations, Job...and even in Christ's voice in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

Depression is a real, powerful disease that holds many in its grip. Depression is just one example of many mental health diseases people in our communities and world struggle with. 

And yet, the church is not only silent on ways to help those with mental health problems but also actively dismisses people's real sickness as a lack of faith. I can't tell you how many times I have read, heard, or personally been told that those who are depressed just need to have more faith..."you need to pray harder," they say...or "you're just not trusting in God" or even worse... "You must have done something wrong to deserve this"...and even, "well just be happy!" 

I think we should always be praying (praying without ceasing like Paul says) and I believe we do serve a God who can heal and perform miracles. I do not believe that prayer and "having" faith should make us blind to the world's problems. 

In Elijah's worst moment God reaches out. So too are we called to reach out to those who are struggling. 

Those who suffer from clinical and episodic depression, among other mental illnesses, can't "just be happy". The brain doesn't make the right amount of chemicals to produce "happiness". We do more damage by dismissing one's disease or telling someone that how they feel isn't real. 

Its a commonly used example in the mental health profession but I believe it is important to repeat: If someone was suffering from any other disease (cancer, diabetes, HIV) you wouldn't tell them to just pray it away. You wouldn't tell them to just get over it, have more faith. You would encourage them to get help. Walk beside them on their journey to a healthy life or at least through the struggle. So why is it any different for those suffering through mental health problems? 

I would like us, as people of God and as the church, to pull back the veil on mental health and step out in truth and reconciliation. There are so many programs and people we can engage with to de-stigmatize mental health problems. 

Some great places to start:

 *with our troops: PTSD is a real and terrible problem effecting so many of our men and women in the armed forces. 

*on college campuses: where suicide has become a rampant problem (I went to NYU where they compete for the highest suicide rate in the country)

*with the homeless: mean and women who can't just go get a job bc they need psychological services to be functional members of society

*New mothers: who suffer from post-partum depression 

*from the pulpit: preach about mental health and ways to get help

Churches should be building strong relationships with social services, counseling centers, and mental health specialists in their communities to connect their congregants to the right health providers. 

Pastors and ministers need to consider that some people just can't "get the gospels". We need to find new ways to reach out to those who struggle to live and think as "normal" citizens. (Henri Nouwen did a lot of work adapting theology for those struggling with severe mental health issues). 

People of faith should be able to speak out about their own struggles. If more people talk honestly about having depression (and other mental illnesses) it won't seem so foreign or taboo. 

Many people who suffer from mental illnesses can lead productive lives. We can neither be silent about the many diseases that effect the mind or discount the ability to learn and lead lives as functioning members of society. 

We also have to be content with the fact that for many, mental illness is a life problem that can't be cured. It can be brought under control, and people can be taught how to adapt to their surroundings. We need to create programs that cater to these people. Bible studies for the bipolar, liturgy for the schizophrenic, worship for the depressed, communion for the OCD...

Let us follow God's example and reach out to those who struggle with mental health. 

Why Lists Should be Avoided

I have tried to avoid being personally anecdotal in these last several posts but I feel it is time to tell a little of my story. I have tried to write this post a couple times now and realized it doesn't work unless, like a good post-modernist, I position myself. So here it goes...

Lists.

I know lists really well; Especially when they come to the church. I was born in a conservative Pentecostal church. My church world and my "secular" world often seemed at odds with each other. What I was learning in church seemed too simple, too sterile. Everything was painted in strict binaries with deep consequences. It was do this... or if you don't you are going to hell. I knew what it was to be a "good christian" and "live out my faith". I had the lists of rules memorized and the scripture verses to back it all up.

When I went to college in NYC, I was confronted with both an earth shattering deconstruction of my faith and became involved in a group that promoted Christian "list" making. My faith was torn apart, so I clung to what was familiar: these lists. Instead of letting myself learn to ask questions and have faith without answers I ran after "proofs" and "facts".

 It wasn't until graduate school that I could throw the lists out completely and embrace the truly free and unconditional love and salvation of God. I finally realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be a "Good Christian".

These Lists still haunt me. They show up in the Bible everywhere. We see the lists of rules for the law code and the ten commandments. Paul is constantly writing about what to do and not to do: his virtue lists. The other epistles have paragraphs full of rights and wrongs. But the gospels are kind of blank.

Lists and Jesus don't really go together. Jesus hardly ever answered a question straight let alone gave his disciples "the disciple twelve step plan". When he did, it never was the answer people wanted. He told the Pharisees the law could be summed up as: Love God and Love your neighbor. Sounds simple but is still argued and debated over. Jesus tells the rich man that the way to get into heaven is to sell everything and help the poor. The sermon on the mount is a long list of nobodies getting blessings. If we made lists like Jesus the church would look REALLY different.

Two problems arise with Lists: why we make them, and what to do with them.

I believe one reason we make lists is because we are desperate for control over our lives. When we grow in relationship with God we realize we have NO control over our lives. Its hard to tell people to constantly be living in subliminal space: but isn't that faith? Faith is trusting in the not knowing, its being content without all the answers, joyful without control.

We also make lists because we have a deep desire to know who's in and who's out. Just as much as we want to know what to do we also like to know if we are special. Did we make it in the cool Christian club? Are we doing this Christian thing right? The fact of the matter is there is no right way to be a Christian. All we are supposed to do is love God and each other.

Yet, there are still those lists in the Old and New Testament.

Moses gives us one example of what to do with Lists: break them! I often forget that Moses breaks the 10 commandments because he is so mad at the Israelites. Moses is not mad because they didn't follow his list but because they lost their faith in God by creating an idol. Some rules do need to be broken. However, this leads to a pervasive problem in the church: picking and choosing. Some rules may need to be broken but I can't tell you which ones. We each need to figure that out for ourselves. We need to hold the text with hands wide open. We can't say my way is the right way and yours the wrong... because at the end of the day we are probably both wrong (ONLY GOD IS RIGHT).

Another thing we can do with Lists, like anyway we read scripture, is ask questions. Not to sound like a relativist, but we can find exceptions for most of the rules. A good "but what if..." helps us see the complexities and diversity inherent within our world's problems. For example: The Bible in multiple places talks about honoring your mother and father (a point in many "lists"). But what if...someone's parents are abusive, neglectful, do not have a two parent system, don't have parents at all. As a (hopefully) future minister I would never tell a child that the Bible tells them to respect their parents when their parents are abusive. I do not think this is an extreme example either...So many of these "lists" have been allowed to keep people in terrible situations, as well as shut the door to entire groups of people from coming into the church. We have used "lists" to tell people to stay in abusive situations, remain silent...we have used them to start wars, defended slavery, and all other kinds of prejudice and inequality. It needs to stop!

We need to remember that grace is free! Grace cannot be gained nor lost. There is no list that can help us earn God's love or force God's love unto someone else.

Let's stop making lists and start loving God and each other. Let's stop trying to be "the perfect Christian" or the "good Christian". Let's try and accept the free gift God gives us. Let's stop trying to organize God's love to fit our lists.